Oh they are twins! Wow! Double Trouble, huh?
Are they fraternal?
Do twins run in your family? Your husbands?
What are their names?
Who's the oldest?
Almost two years into mothering twins and I could sleep talk through the whole thing. Occasionally the questions vary in the order they are asked or if the person is especially nosy they'll ask whether they're natural (as opposed to artificially flavored?) and if they were born vaginally. The ones who ask whether they were born vaginally are typically parents of twins or in the medical field. It's not very often that people are comfortable saying the word vaginally to virtual strangers but for some reason it's socially acceptable if you're discussing birthing multiples. By that time your vagina is no longer your own business.
The conversation is nearing it's close. I've answered all the vital statistics and smiled and nodded appreciatively at the invariable "Boy, they must keep you busy!" when she decides to veer off script,
"What in your opinion has been the single hardest thing about raising twins?"
Really? The single hardest thing... in my opinion. We're bumping along in the freezing dark on a horse drawn trolley ride making small talk and suddenly I'm to sum up the all the struggles of parenting twins for a girl who looks all of 19 with only one block between us and the drop off point.
So I open my mouth and out drops one of the stupidest responses I've ever had the disdain of answering.
"They feed off each other."
And then I go on and try to explain about the times when one boy is crying and other starts for no reason other than that his brother is crying. All the while she's nodding her head knowingly as though that's exactly what she expected all along and just like that we're at the end and I can't take it back.
And by then it doesn't matter. She's wished us a good night and is talking to her curly headed boyfriend about how nice it's been to have snow and cold weather for a change. Meanwhile I'm reluctantly stepping off the trolley wondering where the hell that ridiculous answer even popped out from, desperately wanting a chance to revise my answer. Not because she cares or could ever fully understand it no matter how poignant my response but so that I can go on the record as a mother who's greatest challenges have amounted to much more than just babies that "feed off each other".
So trolley girl let me back up a bit and start over again.
In my opinion the hardest thing about raising twins has been not ever being enough. When both babies are crying out for you, or want your undivided attention, or unlimited affection or simply want to snuggle in your arms and pretend that only the two of you exist there is never enough. Not enough time. Not enough space on one lap. Not enough you to go around. Try as you might to create "individual time" so that each child has the opportunity to feel special, feel like in that moment they're the center of your world, the total sum of all their other moments has been experienced as a part of a pair. When you shift all your attention on one, invariably another receives less. Try and dole it out equally and everyone gets slivers.
I'm cognizant of the fact that parents of more than one child probably feel the same. It's definitely not unique to twins. And in truth since they've never known any different it may not matter to them at all. The boys will never know what it's like to have me all to themselves, like Sophia once did. But I always will. It's a feeling of wanting to give each of them your all and falling short most of the time.
So there you have it trolley girl. Having limitations on how much of yourself you can give to the children who you love without limits is the hardest part of parenting... in my opinion of course.
Thanks for asking and have a nice life.
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